Yo-yo and a wander.

I re-read my (entire) blog tonight. The last post was so disturbing and then had to laugh while reading the next one. Really, am I truly that neurotic lately?

I thought to myself that the last post sounds so absurd, it must have been imgained. But no. I remember the pain and what was causing it. I can remember its sharp, acrid taste and its vicious bite. It was a combination of the PMDD and camp drop. I have never felt that truly empty ever before in my life. One could surmise that continuing to go to camp would be a bad thing, but I disagree. There were things happening, both around me and in me that truly collided for a potently distasteful and frightening cocktail. However, things have... stabilized in the last month, and for that I am truly thankful. Its almost as if a switch was flipped. Bizarre.

The other posts (most of the ones pre-Amy and one or two during Amy) made me shake my head at my own goofiness. Is that normal, to read some of your things and think its pretty funny? Or is it just rampant vanity?

Then I read my very first blog and had to chuckle at my naivte'. An old maid at 22?? Seriously, can I go back and slap my young self upside the head for thinking that?? I'm staring down the barrel of 30. Gawd, Mom was right- shut up and enjoy your youth. And I talk about the various guys I dated. Some who's name are remembered and others so unremarkable, the only thing that marks their presence was that mention in a post. My wedding blog is still up. What a funny yet sad reminder.

I noticed a pattern, partly from reading old blog posts, and partly from reading some old letters found in my closet. My last 3 significant relationships were very much that- significant. I loved them dearly and apparently either took it for granted or believed myself unworthy of the affection, understanding, and love they were offering. Then ended up unwittingly trashing them all while desperately trying to hold on at the same time. Granted, one of the relationships was ultimately unhealthy. However, pre-violence, the love was still as true. I realize now that I am a self-sabotaging, self-fulfilling prophecy (maybe thats redundant). And its scary. I recently met a very sweet guy that looks to be promising. If it grows into what I hope it will... I just can't put my thoughts into words other than to say I don't want the tearing-down to happen again.

One illustration of this new guy's promise, with some prior explaining. Those that know me, know I'm open to and partly live an alternative lifestyle. Among the personals sites I am on, is an adult personals site, which is where I met him. Admittedly, this is not the place to looking for a stable, regular relationship. I'm realistic about this so I'm there looking mostly to satisfy needs that inevitably need satisfying. Anyway. After a few messages on the site, this cutey and I had the occasion to chat via instant messenger and instantly there was a spark. Similiar senses of humor tend to have that effect. We set up a tentative date for that weekend and chatted a few times again. Each time we chatted, I was left with a craving for more of him. But due to the nature of the site, I pushed the cravings and thoughts aside, not wanting to get my hopes up. However there were hints from him as well- I wasn't sure if I was imagining it. We met, and at the end of that date, there were several spine-tingling kisses and that "I don't want to leave" feeling on both sides. I drove home, mostly in a daze. Through IM and texting (we both agreed we didn't like talking on the phone- thank gawd), we each hesitantly toed the idea of a relationship towards the other, both worried we'd scare the other off if we just kicked it into the light. After maddening amounts of tap-dancing, we both admitted we were interested in pursuing something more than FWB. I had previously talked about my kink-related interests and he is predominately vanilla.

(Get to the point, you're saying. I know, I'm sorry. I'm feeling long-winded tonight and this is the cut down version)

Cut to the second date, post-coital conversation. I had previously mentioned the open relationship I had been in, and he initially seemed averse to the idea. However, we were talking about it, him asking questions and me being as brutally honest as I could. Everything is academic at this point because we hadn't actually said "hey we're dating" (this is an important point). He talked about if we were still together in a year when the next camp rolls around, what happens when I go? Do I play or remain chaste? He talked about his thoughts and hesitations (all perfectly normal and understandable, truly). Thats when I started talking about the pros and cons of an open relationship and how that could quiet a lot of his fears. I've seen it work and the good it can do. And he actually said he'd think about it. I was beyond floored, partly because I felt he was telling the truth and mostly because I hadn't thought it likely.

Then, I looked at him and quietly asked "Why don't you come to camp with me?". I explained he could see it for himself, see this thing that plays an important part of my summer and an integral part of my life. I thought he would refuse straight out, but this too, he said he would consider after looking at his schedule. (Meanwhile, I'm thinking "holy crap, REALLY??). We hadn't really "officially" started dating and he's considering something that is quite radical for a vanilla, self-admitted traditional guy. I realize now that perhaps an outside observer is probably thinking "Girl, he is playing you to get in your pants". I guess that is always possible, but I just get this feeling that that isn't the case; he seems truly genuine. If he really is playing me, he deserves an Emmy.

That self-sabotaging part of me is saying "can this be true?". Can this (seemingly) decent and good-looking guy truly be interested in me? "It can't be true, there has to be a reason, an ulterior motive." Perhaps I try and get myself to believe this in an effort to not get hurt. But don't I get hurt because I tear it down? Ah ha, the self-fulfilling prophecy in its shiny glory.

I'd end on a funny or flip little statement. But I'm left with such a brainful. Granted, its a very good brainful, not so much neural sludge as in the past. I'm content for the time being. And thats good for right now.