Falling... (brain dump)

I wish I could blame it on the camp drop. I wish I didn't feel the pain I feel, knowing that I'm not there person I thought I was. That the person I thought I was, was only because of someone else. My beloved event has become a magnifying glass for everything that I hate about myself and what is wrong with me. And it makes me frantic to fix things and even more frantic when I realize I don't know how.

Its so bi-polar, these ups and downs. I was blissed out before, thinking I was dealing, but apparently not so. I just want to be loved and sought out and thought well of, but can't make that happen. I don't want to be "tolerated" and have people nice to my face and grumble when I turn away.

I thought perhaps sending my fears and troubles out into the world would help, and to some extent, it has. But what now. I feel like an empty vessel and don't know how to fill it. I know what kind of person I want to be, but don't know how to get from here to there.

I'm back in that dark hole and am terrified. The lonliness is overwhelming and suffocating and I just simply want it to end. However that may happen. I'm is so much pain, its excrutiating. I don't want pity, I want answers dammit. Are they there and I'm ignoring them? Am I too selfish to see them? Why can't I be whole being by myself?

The kind of people I like and admire, don't like me. Why. I feel shunned, though they say they aren't.

This weakness is killing me. I shouldn't care about the ones that don't like me and take comfort in those that do. But I can't. Does that make me even more selfish and shallow?

The pain is a live, hot wire, threatening to tear me apart. And I'd welcome it. Perhaps it would chase away the thoughts of grabbing the knife.