Free-floating loneliness

I was struck by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness today. As a friend texted me “I wish you were here” and listening to some romantic cd… it was overwhelming. He wishes I was there for sexual reasons; I want someone to text me that because they miss me for romantic reasons. Its been said that the harder one looks for love, the farther away it gets. At this point, my love must be in Guatemala by now. Its also been said that feeling sorry for yourself and not liking yourself won’t help you find love. This is true. But I like myself as much as the next person- attractive, witty, intelligent for the most part.

Perhaps that’s the problem. Perhaps I’m not looking in the right places. Perhaps I’m looking in the right places but picking the wrong guys. There is no easy answer, no instruction manual. There is no teacher to turn to for help, other than experience.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Grrr...

Here I sit at work. Its one of those days. One of those days where nothing seems to sit right, like I want to jump out of my skin. I don't feel like reading the news online as I usually do. Working on my Christmas gifts (I'm crocheting a scarf for my mom) doesn't help- I can't focus. Reading a magazine drives me crazy as everything seems inane and silly. So here I sit, trying typing therapy, if there is such a thing, to get the thoughts out and maybe steady myself.

Perhaps its because I'm off my meds. I am on medication for depression and let me tell you, it really helps. I'm off because I ran out between paychecks- oops! Its low-grade depression so there is no major worry, but still. There is a marked difference in my personality and how I interact with other people. I'm definitely perkier and able to think more clearly.

Or perhaps its the ADD rearing its jittery head. I've had that since I was a kid and have learned to deal with it. No big deal, just have a few extra projects on hand and give myself a mental slapping when I get distracted by something.

Kind of sounds like a mess, doesn't it? Really though, I'm not. I'm a relatively normal individual with overtones of definite "weirdidity" (yes, I know its not a word..). I keep to myself for the most part, some out of self-conciousness and some out of habit. Been told I have a gorgeous smile and a wonderful sense of humor. But really, didn't that describe Ted Bundy? I guess what differentiates me is that I've never had an urge to lure pretty women in and kill them. A good thing indeed.

What really makes me aware of these issues is the fact that I am currently in the dating pool. Actually, with the luck I've had, its more like a dating muck hole instead of pool. However, there have been bright spots. One particularly intresting candidate is a 35 year old self-employed gentleman. The first time we met in person was a little stilted, but the second time was much, much better. Though both times we simly watched movies, there was a definite difference between the first time and second time... can't figure out why. He appreciates my sense of humor which is a saving grace. There are a few commonalities and happens to be a fantastic kisser (always a plus in my book). The down side is, of course as always, scheduling. Between him working during the day, his daughter, and me working second, time is limited. We shall see what happens- I'm hopeful.

Another one is a 30 year old guy in the midst of a divorce. Our senses of humor match almost exactly- a scary thought considering I'm soo off-center... Attractive and intelligent, but I'm slightly leery of his intentions. I'm looking for the real thing, not a bedroom buddy. However, we have not yet met in person and have only been chatting online for a week or so. Downside here is- location. He is 40 minutes away- thats pushing it. He is listed for now as a maybe...

Of course, being a single lady, one does get urges to... play, and urges need to be satisfied. So there is an FWB who shall remains nameless to protect the not so innocent. Extremely intelligent and witty, this guy definitely keeps me on my toes, even when they aren't curled. Married with two eminently adorable kids, he and his wife have the fortune of having an open relationship. Very secure within that relationship, they play alone, acknowledging that monogamy isn't quite right for them. Intresting, isn't it?

Thank you for listening to my therapy, this has actually helped. I feel better. :)

Death of a friend

Here I sit at 8:46 in the morning, no pants, sweatshirt, wondering what the hell I'm doing up this early. Woke up to find that my shrimp has died (the one in my fish tank!) and I'm kinda bummed. Granted we didn't bond much, but there was still that one summer....

Oh well. Time to break out the cocktail sauce!

On the hunt

To be so singularly obsessed with finding a man is a sad thing. To be desperate an even sadder thing. I have been free of a meaningful and fulfilling relationship for about 4 months now. Before that, it was almost a year. The brief interruption was a wonderful man, with whom I meshed quite well. But distance, lack of initiative, and scheduling ruined what was an otherwise good thing.

I am still on the hunt. I can’t help but think of it like that; its what it feels like. To stalk the wild prey of that perfect man in the wilds of daily life seem to be an all too apt description. Peering from behind the trees, I see a herd of them grazing at the watering hole. Creeping stealthily, panther-like through the grass, never blinking. I spring, and they scatter. Running screaming into the woods from the putrid stench of desperation and Chanel no.5. Ok, so I don’t wear Chanel, but you get the idea.

He’s out there. Sleek coated, intelligent, and one of Darwin’s chosen few. I’ve got my tranquilizer darts, rope, and net. Now where the hell is he…

SLS

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Flotsam and jetsam

There are always a million thoughts going through my head at any given time, none of any real consequence. Some silly, some contemplative, and way too many negative. Its maddening, really. Sometimes I just want to wring out my brain and be mentally silent. To scrub it clean like the putrid bottom of a fish tank. To try and follow each one would be an exercise in futility, a race against madness. In attempts to tame these overzealous mental machinations, I sit and concentrate on picking one out from the tangled mess. I pick at it like a crusted scab, pulling it away from unwilling flesh. Its followed along twisted, drifting, deviating pathways, meandering through the atramentous sludge.

“…did she look at me funny? I forgot to pay the cell phone bill, I can’t afford to pay the cell phone bill… really have to look up a bankruptcy lawyer. 4 hours til I have to get ready for work. WHY am I still single?? Is it permanent, am I going to be a spinster… wooo, gotta clean that cat box… and the living room… and the laundry… and that mess on the table. Hey, judge judy is on. Mmmm, want some chips, only have teddy grahams, damn, have to go shopping again. Don’t have the money. Maybe I should look in the phone book for the lawyer, what if I end up with one that rips me off? La ded daaaaa, I’m so bored.. maybe I should go to the gym, I’m wasting money on the membership every month anyway, heaven knows I need the exercise… look at the lumps on my thighs- HELLOO tapioca! Really want chips… damn, that won’t help, they would go great with tapioca though… He said I worry too much, do I? Ok, relax, think calm thoughts… blue sky, warm breeze, large green field… ahhhhh… OK, still want those chips. I got salsa, but no chips, would saltines be ok with salsa? Salsa shark… ohh thats a good movie… Maybe we could watch that next time he comes over. No, I only get him an hour or two at a time. Should I be bitter, maybe I should look elsewhere, he’s so good to me though, a sweetheart, well you know the situation, hi kitty, woo, gotta brush you you are shedding again. Rats, I forgot to water the plants, I really need more pots, can’t afford them, maybe I should ask mom about a lawyer. I have to hang that bird feeder too, don’t have any screws though. Damn, craving tapioca…”

and on and on….

It seems I don't know myself very well.

Well, thats not really a revelation- thats half of my problem!! lol. I was told by a friend that my last post doesn't really describe me. I'm still waiting to hear back what would describe the real me. I think the last post was a result of this funky mood I've been in for the last few weeks. Mostly, its due to PMS, but work has been especially trying as of late. So for those that have felt the sting of my mood, forgive me, I know not what I do. :-))

Complacency causes stagnation.

Complacency causes stagnation. It causes us to resist change, to view it with a wary and cynical eye. Or maybe that’s just me. I also have a big mouth with poor impulse control and a quick temper. With this delightful trio of issues, I cause myself a lot of headache and heartache. At least the lack of impulse control I can blame on the ADD. The other two come as a result of my screwy biological makeup. Fighting biology is never easy- its who we are, even if its not acceptable to the rest of the populace. I’ve known for a long time that unless I do fight my nature, my life will be a brackish hellhole of mediocrity and loneliness.


They say, “be yourself”. When I do that, I find myself alone at home on the couch, eating Cheetos and watching t.v. When I fight it, I find myself out in the world, experiencing things, as a 20-something should, having a good time. Holding back is not in my nature. Some call me blunt, rude, or just plain neurotic. When I censor myself, they find me delightful. I’m left with a quandry- let it all out and feel better but be lonely, or hold it in, feel listless, and be a social phenom. Not wanting to make a decision, I’ve just continued to blunder through my days, at turns flying off the handle, threatening fragile relationships and kicking myself for it afterwards.

Who knows, maybe I am certifiable- certifiably stubborn and set in who I am.

Delicious thoughts...

On the few but regular occasions I work overnight, I find myself with plenty of time to think. Much of it is idle mental chatter, lots of neural nothingness between calls, like a bad infomercial running in the background. This is due, in part, to the mindfreeze that takes over after too many hours awake. Like a computer going into power save, the brain hums for a minute and then just goes dark. It waits for the next source of stimulation, the green light blinking dimly in the semi-dark. The only thing that keeps it from total shut down is the obligatory 3am Sobe (like RedBull, only bigger and tastier).

Often in these times of cerebral haze, certain... delicious thoughts come gliding up from the haze, slipping through the mental fog like silken serpents. I am fully awakened, my eyes flying open as the I feel their luxurious bite. Thoughts of such sweetness, they beg to be tasted, savored, relished. Usually, sexual or sensual in nature, of past encounters. Recent past encounters that were so titillating the first time around, they beg to be ruminated on, relived, and rediscovered. Like picking a choice apple from the tree, I pluck one from the bunch, choosing it for its ripeness and heady licentiousness. My eyes slowly close, only this time to sink into the velvet arms of recall.

Once again I am transported to that particular moment in time, reeling in the assault of sensations. His hands on my skin as he caresses and claims. The sweet tremors his touch awakens. The wanting and need that rush to the forefront, demanding to be sated. My nails leave faint trails across his shoulders as they graze heated flesh. Mouths hungrily seek each other out in futile attempts to staunch the rapidly growing hedonism. Other parts brazenly demand attention, wanting to be satisfied. Primal desire is taking over. Time and space fall away as basic, raw heat threatens to consume whatever it touches. No sound is heard but the moan of need and the whisper of hand across flesh. "Inevitable!", screams The Need, "the sweet glut of sensational finale is inevitable, don't stop now!" Rushing towards nirvana.... the phone rings.

Dammit!

Reality comes crashing around my ears like a million shards of glass. My private mental sanctuary shattered, crystalline thoughts are scattered and strewn into oblivion.

*sigh*

I'm forced back into the here and now where life is stale like breadcrumbs. At least until the next time I see him....

*grin*

I ran across this...

yesterday. Wow, what a trip. Its a webpage I started about 10 years ago. Hard to believe its still up. Its quite a flashback reading it and the things that have gone on since then. I tried to update it a bit but quickly lost patience with it. I'm not terribly familiar with the codes and whatnot that are needed so it has no background and a few dead links. Check it out.

http://www.angelfire.com/wi/LittleDucklingsPage/

A short attention span..

is my excuse for not posting more often. I'll think of something incredibly witty and fun to post and then 5 minutes later, it has completely left the neural superhighway. I'm left doing that "what did I come in here for?" face. This often occurs at work. In my downtime (of which there is an abundance), lots of thinking goes on, including filthy thoughts of my man, a chicken, and whip. But aside from that, I'll think of something quite entertaining and blog-worthy. One would think this would be written down, since I'm not really able to post at work (they tend to frown on extracurricluar activities such as porn and blogging), but noooo. A friend told me that since posting is not possible, put it in an email, send it to myself, and post it once I get home. Such clear thinking for someone who, at the time, was in a sleepy, temporary painkiller haze. But I, in all my not so sleepy, clear-headed glory, do not seem to be capable of following this little smidget of advice. Damn that ADHD....

So does posting my excuse count as a post or do I have to post something else?