It seems I don't know myself very well.

Well, thats not really a revelation- thats half of my problem!! lol. I was told by a friend that my last post doesn't really describe me. I'm still waiting to hear back what would describe the real me. I think the last post was a result of this funky mood I've been in for the last few weeks. Mostly, its due to PMS, but work has been especially trying as of late. So for those that have felt the sting of my mood, forgive me, I know not what I do. :-))

Complacency causes stagnation.

Complacency causes stagnation. It causes us to resist change, to view it with a wary and cynical eye. Or maybe that’s just me. I also have a big mouth with poor impulse control and a quick temper. With this delightful trio of issues, I cause myself a lot of headache and heartache. At least the lack of impulse control I can blame on the ADD. The other two come as a result of my screwy biological makeup. Fighting biology is never easy- its who we are, even if its not acceptable to the rest of the populace. I’ve known for a long time that unless I do fight my nature, my life will be a brackish hellhole of mediocrity and loneliness.


They say, “be yourself”. When I do that, I find myself alone at home on the couch, eating Cheetos and watching t.v. When I fight it, I find myself out in the world, experiencing things, as a 20-something should, having a good time. Holding back is not in my nature. Some call me blunt, rude, or just plain neurotic. When I censor myself, they find me delightful. I’m left with a quandry- let it all out and feel better but be lonely, or hold it in, feel listless, and be a social phenom. Not wanting to make a decision, I’ve just continued to blunder through my days, at turns flying off the handle, threatening fragile relationships and kicking myself for it afterwards.

Who knows, maybe I am certifiable- certifiably stubborn and set in who I am.

Delicious thoughts...

On the few but regular occasions I work overnight, I find myself with plenty of time to think. Much of it is idle mental chatter, lots of neural nothingness between calls, like a bad infomercial running in the background. This is due, in part, to the mindfreeze that takes over after too many hours awake. Like a computer going into power save, the brain hums for a minute and then just goes dark. It waits for the next source of stimulation, the green light blinking dimly in the semi-dark. The only thing that keeps it from total shut down is the obligatory 3am Sobe (like RedBull, only bigger and tastier).

Often in these times of cerebral haze, certain... delicious thoughts come gliding up from the haze, slipping through the mental fog like silken serpents. I am fully awakened, my eyes flying open as the I feel their luxurious bite. Thoughts of such sweetness, they beg to be tasted, savored, relished. Usually, sexual or sensual in nature, of past encounters. Recent past encounters that were so titillating the first time around, they beg to be ruminated on, relived, and rediscovered. Like picking a choice apple from the tree, I pluck one from the bunch, choosing it for its ripeness and heady licentiousness. My eyes slowly close, only this time to sink into the velvet arms of recall.

Once again I am transported to that particular moment in time, reeling in the assault of sensations. His hands on my skin as he caresses and claims. The sweet tremors his touch awakens. The wanting and need that rush to the forefront, demanding to be sated. My nails leave faint trails across his shoulders as they graze heated flesh. Mouths hungrily seek each other out in futile attempts to staunch the rapidly growing hedonism. Other parts brazenly demand attention, wanting to be satisfied. Primal desire is taking over. Time and space fall away as basic, raw heat threatens to consume whatever it touches. No sound is heard but the moan of need and the whisper of hand across flesh. "Inevitable!", screams The Need, "the sweet glut of sensational finale is inevitable, don't stop now!" Rushing towards nirvana.... the phone rings.

Dammit!

Reality comes crashing around my ears like a million shards of glass. My private mental sanctuary shattered, crystalline thoughts are scattered and strewn into oblivion.

*sigh*

I'm forced back into the here and now where life is stale like breadcrumbs. At least until the next time I see him....

*grin*

I ran across this...

yesterday. Wow, what a trip. Its a webpage I started about 10 years ago. Hard to believe its still up. Its quite a flashback reading it and the things that have gone on since then. I tried to update it a bit but quickly lost patience with it. I'm not terribly familiar with the codes and whatnot that are needed so it has no background and a few dead links. Check it out.

http://www.angelfire.com/wi/LittleDucklingsPage/

A short attention span..

is my excuse for not posting more often. I'll think of something incredibly witty and fun to post and then 5 minutes later, it has completely left the neural superhighway. I'm left doing that "what did I come in here for?" face. This often occurs at work. In my downtime (of which there is an abundance), lots of thinking goes on, including filthy thoughts of my man, a chicken, and whip. But aside from that, I'll think of something quite entertaining and blog-worthy. One would think this would be written down, since I'm not really able to post at work (they tend to frown on extracurricluar activities such as porn and blogging), but noooo. A friend told me that since posting is not possible, put it in an email, send it to myself, and post it once I get home. Such clear thinking for someone who, at the time, was in a sleepy, temporary painkiller haze. But I, in all my not so sleepy, clear-headed glory, do not seem to be capable of following this little smidget of advice. Damn that ADHD....

So does posting my excuse count as a post or do I have to post something else?

I noticed tonight

the frost on the grass as I walked to my apartment. It glittered dimly there in the frigid, silent evening. As I walked, it twinkled and winked briskly. Even upon stopping and standing still, the life in the frost seemed to continue as if it was a city of lights with a beat of it own. Thousands of reflections, moving, pulsing, creating a show on the dark ground.

I looked to the heavens with a set of twinklers of its own. They were fewer, dimmer somehow. Some of their beauty was damped out by the harsh orange glow of the wretched city lights. They shone on, smug in the knowledge that they, as well as the reflections in the grass, would exist long past myself.

It was comforting somehow...

Why is it...

that every year, I forget about the difficulties of snow? My official stance is "I love snow". I find it breathtaking; a snowfall, romantic. The world changes color from dull, disheartenting brown and grey to stark white. Then, it falls, sending me into paroxysms of joy and laughter. I step out into the crisp clean air to enjoy this little gift from the clouds and BAM!, I'm on my ass. *sigh*.

Though I suppose, it would be romantic having someone spoonfeed me if I were in traction...

By the way...

Edmund has moved on and taken Squiggy with him. Neither one left a forwarding address so that is one less on my Christmas card list I guess. I did drown a cousin the other day though. This one wouldn't stay up on the ceiling where he belonged and kept trying to drop in on me in the shower.

I try not to...

worry about what people think about me. But I can't help but be bothered by the thought that I am judged and dismissed on a daily basis by several people. Those that shouldn't underestimate me as I'm more than they think I am. Yes, my prevailing thought is "either take me as I am or piss off", but still, that niggling anxiety is just one more thing that adds to that non-stop racetrack of brain fodder. As if there isn't enough to worry about. I know that I'm not a typical social creature (I tend to suck at social gatherings) and that I'm "weird". But still, I long to fit in, be welcomed and accepted by more than a few that find my eccentricities "charming". Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the friends that I have. But dammit, I'm tired of sitting home alone at night.

My Circadian rhythm...

is very confused. Due to my second/third shift job, I tend to sleep in the morning and early afternoon. I had a lot of trouble getting used to it, but it seems as though its normalized in the last few days. Take yesterday. As I had posted, I slept until 3 pm and napped until 6. Of course, I was not able to sleep early this morning. I even went to visit my aunt at 10 and stayed until midnight (she works second as well). Then I came home to accomlish a few things online. Around three, I had an hour and a half long chat with a very handsome man (I can't wait to see him this weekend!).

So, I thought, I can go to bed now, not much left to do. Did I??? Noooooo. I jumped in the shower, shaved, and went to the gym! lol. At 5am in the morning! Those that know me should find this highly unusual. One, because I just don't go in that early, and two, its been about a month since I've been down there (yes, I'm a bad girl). But it felt good. I miss that nice sweat you get when you bust your ass on the elliptical. So, I did 15 minutes on the elliptical and 30 on the treadmill. I had also forgotten hom much I enjoy the bird's eye view of the guys lifting weights below (my gym has their treadmills on a balcony). I felt slightly guilty for goggling these guys, but they are entertaining to watch. Not to mention that there is just something about a well defined arm doing a well executed bicep curl that makes me smile. :-D

When I got home, I heard my cell beeping. From the type of beep, I knew it was a calendar reminder. I completely forgot that I have to go in to work today for computer training at 9AM! ARGH! Darnit, this is going to be interesting. I can't decide if I just want to crash and try to get in a nap before or if I should just stay up. hmmm... I think a nap would be best.

Sweet dreams....

My day...

was a rather uneventful day. I worked long overnight shifts (12-14 hours) since Thursday. Getting home this morning at 7:45 was such a relief. I fed the creatures, changed into my pjs, and collapsed on the couch. Now, admittedly, my job is not tough. There are stressful moments though, and sitting for that long is a little wearying. I watched a little tv and ended up falling asleep watching The Muppet Movie (yeah, I'm a kid at heart). Amazingly enough, I was dead to the world until 3. I think I was concious for about an hour and then passed out again. When I woke up at 6, I felt kind of guilty. Who really sleeps all day? I couldn't do that, so I got up and got dressed.

Hopefully this will be a memory starting in December. My schedule is changing (yay!), but because of the nature of my job, I still won't be working days. Someday soon....

He's sooooo tuna!

Ok, I admit it, I use things like thesaurus.com. The other day, I was trying to find a new and unusual alternative to "handsome". What do I run across but the word "tuna". Now really, does that make any sense? lol. I ran it through dictionary.com thinking maybe I was just missing something but all I came up with was definitions for the fish. Somehow I get the feeling if I were to go up to a guy in a bar and tell him he was really "tuna", I wouldn't have much chance for a date.

Just not feeling it.

I've been trying to think of an entertaining blog post for the last few days and have had no creative flashes. I had one at work the other day, but it ran away from me, darnit. Yes, I know, creativity is not to be forced- it is a bitter mistress (well aren't most women?).

I enjoy putting creative bits up here though. I enjoy thinking that somone will read them and smile, maybe laugh, or finally realize that I am completely out of my mind (hey, someone has to find out sooner or later!). Its my way of grabbing a little attention for myself, like the pictures I have posted in my [personals] profile. Its a way of saying "pay attention to me me dammit, I'm lonely". Well, I'm not really lonely, but you get the point.

For those loyal few who check me out every day (I know there are a few of you), I hope this pleases you. I'm off to take a shower and go to Target.

Is it wrong...

to applaud when a co-worker gets fired? I couldn't help myself. I had a small private celebration when I heard one particuarly difficult co-worker would no longer be depressing us with her presence. I try to be tolerant of different personalities, quirks, and idiosyncracies. But ya know, there are just some you would rather push of the roof than deal with every day. With her leaving, more hours came available and I'm sitting pretty for next paycheck.

Woo hoo, time for some thong shopping!

{previously posted 11-15-06}

Edmund, the peeping Tom.

Edmund is a spider that lives in my bathroom. He showed up last week, I think he's just in from France. I don't know what kind of spider he is, being that I am not an arachnologist, just the creepy, 8-legged, freak-me-out kind. Hes about a half an inch across or so, but they say size doesn't matter.

Now being the somewhat superstitious type, I do not kill spiders under most circumstances, for fear it will bring bad luck. I mean, really, spiders are good for the environment, eating pests and such. But how many pests can be in the place where I brush my teeth every day? Is this some odd, arachnid commentary on my personal hygiene? Anyway. I was standing in my shower that morning, naked of course, paying heed to my backside with the scrubby and I look up. There he was, staring at me with those beady, multi-faceted eyes (I knew he was looking at me because he was leering). Of course, my initial reaction was to give him a good soaking with the shower head and send him to a watery grave, but other than giving me some very inappropriate looks, he was harming nothing. As long as he stayed in that nook near the ceiling, we would get along just fine. He was informed of just that and seemed to agree.

The next time I got in the shower, there he was again, and this time, one of his friends was on the side of the tub. Much smaller, I think his name was Squiggy. All right, I thought, he's bringing in the guests. I covered Squiggy gingerly with the shower curtain and went about my business. As I turned to take up the razor, there was Edmund half way down the wall, staring again. He was about a foot from my head- too close for comfort. I threatened him with a stream of water and he skittered back up the wall. "Edmund", I said, "you just stay up there and we will get along fine. I hate spiders but I'm a reasonable woman.". There he sat for the rest of the show.

Now, every morning, I greet him and ask him how his kids are doing (they don't write him or visit very often). He smokes his strange French cigarettes, adjusts his beret in the most becoming manner, and states that he his here for only a short while. "In the meantime", he asked "bring me a few flies, would you?"

{previouisly posted 11-14-06}

A cold and rainy morning...

...can be very dampening on the spirits when you are inside, looking out the window. It looks dreary and miserable and just... depressing. But when I walked out onto the patio this morning to feed the always ravenous wild birds, it seemed anything but. There was a freshness to the air that only a rain can bring about. Crisp and clean, despite living in the city. With a hint of mischeviousness, though I'm not sure what its up to. Will it snow? No, the sky doesn't have that "about to dump 4 feet of snow on your unsuspecting head" look to it. Will it continue to rain and then freeze, turning everything it touches to slippery glass? Alas, I do not know. I took one final lungful of that invigorating stuff and went back in. Looking out, I once again see the drear.

What a difference a pane of glass makes.

{previously posted 11-13-06}

Oops, I did it again...

Slept until noon. Ok, til 11:30, but I have an excuse and had much better company this time around. It goes like this...

I hadn't planned on going out last night. We had met once before and I was interested in meeting again. Hes very quiet, not usually my type, but I can sense there is so much more underneath that stoic exterior. Anyway. He and I got to chatting and he invited me out to a party that he was going to with some friends at the local bar. I'm not usually one for the bar, but I was eager to see him again. When I saw him there, he was as handsome as I remember. We had drinks and quite a few laughs with his friends. After bar closed, we went to his place and well, I won't divulge every detail, but lets say I'm quite satisfied. Something about strong hands on my hips when I'm on top that just make me all... goo goo. Yum! I've not been this giddy in a long time. lol. Looking forward to the next time...

{previously posted on 11-12-06}

I slept until noon...

like I do sometimes. I was up until 2am perusing personals, checking my email, and just plain losing my mind. Something happens to me really early in the morning that just makes me nutty. This could be a bad thing, considering that I work third shift once or twice a week! But anyway. I went to bed at about 2:30 after watching MASH, yet again. When I woke up, I was confused- I'm not used to sleeping for this long. During the week, I'm lucky if I can get in 4 hours of zzz's. How strange the body works. Though, my Circadian rhythm is so screwed up right now b/c of work, I think it said "screw this, lady, I'm leaving". *sigh*

I have much to do today. Have to go out to my sisters to get the carpet cleaner as the carpet in the living room attracts dirt like a nekkid blonde attracts men on a street corner. Also have to run to wal-mart for some cereal- I'm starving! Well all evidence to the contrary, but I am rather famished.

Off into the crazy world, out and about, I do my deeds. Will I come home victiorious? .... probably, and then I'll be bored. hehehehe.

{previously posted on 11-11-06}

I wanna be like Mike...

Well no, not really, but it seemd a fitting sentiment. I was inspired to start my own blog by a captivating woman I have met here on [a different site]. Her humor and intelligence have nudged the Cather in me and want to take another stab at this. Also, another one of my wonderful friends has encouraged me to write after I typed this as an answer to "if you could be any crayon, what color would you be?" Blue and slightly melted into the carpet. Creative nuggets like this occasionally slip out of my coiled, confused, and twisted brain and lay themselves upon the auditory nerve of any who will listen. Sadly, I feel it does not happen often enough, only when I'm alone. Kind of like the answer to the eternal question "If a lone tree makes a joke in the woods, is it funny?".

So. I am here to amuse, entertain, rant, pontificate, obfuscate, and just plain discombobulate those lucky few than run across this literary amalgamated thing of malaproprious indecency.

{previously posted on 11-10-06}