Musings from a vivid mind

Yo-yo and a wander.

2010-08-10T22:17:00.007-04:00

I re-read my (entire) blog tonight. The last post was so disturbing and then had to laugh while reading the next one. Really, am I truly that neurotic lately?

I thought to myself that the last post sounds so absurd, it must have been imgained. But no. I remember the pain and what was causing it. I can remember its sharp, acrid taste and its vicious bite. It was a combination of the PMDD and camp drop. I have never felt that truly empty ever before in my life. One could surmise that continuing to go to camp would be a bad thing, but I disagree. There were things happening, both around me and in me that truly collided for a potently distasteful and frightening cocktail. However, things have... stabilized in the last month, and for that I am truly thankful. Its almost as if a switch was flipped. Bizarre.

The other posts (most of the ones pre-Amy and one or two during Amy) made me shake my head at my own goofiness. Is that normal, to read some of your things and think its pretty funny? Or is it just rampant vanity?

Then I read my very first blog and had to chuckle at my naivte'. An old maid at 22?? Seriously, can I go back and slap my young self upside the head for thinking that?? I'm staring down the barrel of 30. Gawd, Mom was right- shut up and enjoy your youth. And I talk about the various guys I dated. Some who's name are remembered and others so unremarkable, the only thing that marks their presence was that mention in a post. My wedding blog is still up. What a funny yet sad reminder.

I noticed a pattern, partly from reading old blog posts, and partly from reading some old letters found in my closet. My last 3 significant relationships were very much that- significant. I loved them dearly and apparently either took it for granted or believed myself unworthy of the affection, understanding, and love they were offering. Then ended up unwittingly trashing them all while desperately trying to hold on at the same time. Granted, one of the relationships was ultimately unhealthy. However, pre-violence, the love was still as true. I realize now that I am a self-sabotaging, self-fulfilling prophecy (maybe thats redundant). And its scary. I recently met a very sweet guy that looks to be promising. If it grows into what I hope it will... I just can't put my thoughts into words other than to say I don't want the tearing-down to happen again.

One illustration of this new guy's promise, with some prior explaining. Those that know me, know I'm open to and partly live an alternative lifestyle. Among the personals sites I am on, is an adult personals site, which is where I met him. Admittedly, this is not the place to looking for a stable, regular relationship. I'm realistic about this so I'm there looking mostly to satisfy needs that inevitably need satisfying. Anyway. After a few messages on the site, this cutey and I had the occasion to chat via instant messenger and instantly there was a spark. Similiar senses of humor tend to have that effect. We set up a tentative date for that weekend and chatted a few times again. Each time we chatted, I was left with a craving for more of him. But due to the nature of the site, I pushed the cravings and thoughts aside, not wanting to get my hopes up. However there were hints from him as well- I wasn't sure if I was imagining it. We met, and at the end of that date, there were several spine-tingling kisses and that "I don't want to leave" feeling on both sides. I drove home, mostly in a daze. Through IM and texting (we both agreed we didn't like talking on the phone- thank gawd), we each hesitantly toed the idea of a relationship towards the other, both worried we'd scare the other off if we just kicked it into the light. After maddening amounts of tap-dancing, we both admitted we were interested in pursuing something more than FWB. I had previously talked about my kink-related interests and he is predominately vanilla.

(Get to the point, you're saying. I know, I'm sorry. I'm feeling long-winded tonight and this is the cut down version)

Cut to the second date, post-coital conversation. I had previously mentioned the open relationship I had been in, and he initially seemed averse to the idea. However, we were talking about it, him asking questions and me being as brutally honest as I could. Everything is academic at this point because we hadn't actually said "hey we're dating" (this is an important point). He talked about if we were still together in a year when the next camp rolls around, what happens when I go? Do I play or remain chaste? He talked about his thoughts and hesitations (all perfectly normal and understandable, truly). Thats when I started talking about the pros and cons of an open relationship and how that could quiet a lot of his fears. I've seen it work and the good it can do. And he actually said he'd think about it. I was beyond floored, partly because I felt he was telling the truth and mostly because I hadn't thought it likely.

Then, I looked at him and quietly asked "Why don't you come to camp with me?". I explained he could see it for himself, see this thing that plays an important part of my summer and an integral part of my life. I thought he would refuse straight out, but this too, he said he would consider after looking at his schedule. (Meanwhile, I'm thinking "holy crap, REALLY??). We hadn't really "officially" started dating and he's considering something that is quite radical for a vanilla, self-admitted traditional guy. I realize now that perhaps an outside observer is probably thinking "Girl, he is playing you to get in your pants". I guess that is always possible, but I just get this feeling that that isn't the case; he seems truly genuine. If he really is playing me, he deserves an Emmy.

That self-sabotaging part of me is saying "can this be true?". Can this (seemingly) decent and good-looking guy truly be interested in me? "It can't be true, there has to be a reason, an ulterior motive." Perhaps I try and get myself to believe this in an effort to not get hurt. But don't I get hurt because I tear it down? Ah ha, the self-fulfilling prophecy in its shiny glory.

I'd end on a funny or flip little statement. But I'm left with such a brainful. Granted, its a very good brainful, not so much neural sludge as in the past. I'm content for the time being. And thats good for right now.

Falling... (brain dump)

2010-06-21T21:45:00.003-04:00

I wish I could blame it on the camp drop. I wish I didn't feel the pain I feel, knowing that I'm not there person I thought I was. That the person I thought I was, was only because of someone else. My beloved event has become a magnifying glass for everything that I hate about myself and what is wrong with me. And it makes me frantic to fix things and even more frantic when I realize I don't know how.

Its so bi-polar, these ups and downs. I was blissed out before, thinking I was dealing, but apparently not so. I just want to be loved and sought out and thought well of, but can't make that happen. I don't want to be "tolerated" and have people nice to my face and grumble when I turn away.

I thought perhaps sending my fears and troubles out into the world would help, and to some extent, it has. But what now. I feel like an empty vessel and don't know how to fill it. I know what kind of person I want to be, but don't know how to get from here to there.

I'm back in that dark hole and am terrified. The lonliness is overwhelming and suffocating and I just simply want it to end. However that may happen. I'm is so much pain, its excrutiating. I don't want pity, I want answers dammit. Are they there and I'm ignoring them? Am I too selfish to see them? Why can't I be whole being by myself?

The kind of people I like and admire, don't like me. Why. I feel shunned, though they say they aren't.

This weakness is killing me. I shouldn't care about the ones that don't like me and take comfort in those that do. But I can't. Does that make me even more selfish and shallow?

The pain is a live, hot wire, threatening to tear me apart. And I'd welcome it. Perhaps it would chase away the thoughts of grabbing the knife.

Sharp and pointy...

2010-06-17T12:39:00.004-04:00

Who knew a sharp, knife-like sensation across the throat would be so incredibly exciting? It sends me through the roof.

I've been freaked out by knives in the past, but have developed a taste for them lately. That isn't normal. But I'm ok with that. It may not be normal but it is incredibly hot.

Plays well with others (or at least working on it).

2009-06-14T21:53:00.004-04:00

Those that know me know that I am on staff with at kink event called Spank Festival, held in west central WI. Along with Boo, I've been on staff since the new folks took it over in June of '07. We attended that first session as volunteers and were asked to join the staff in the following months.

Now, honestly, Boo and I don't play much, kinky or otherwise, at home. This is due to an inordinately low sex drive on my part, which really sucks for her. However, we are in love with the event, the staff that run it, and the energy of the campers that attend. The issue of boundaries in our relationship had inevitably come up in response to things we've seen here. They've pretty much always been closed. However, something changed this year.

In preparation for the event, attendees can post their profile on the "Attendees Only" site and chat with other fellow campers. Perving profiles are a favorite pastime of the prospective Spanker. I'd seen his profile, but didn't pay much more attention to it than any of the others. If I'd only known...

I first saw him as he pulled in to register. We were in a staff meeting, but as one of the "registration whores", it was part of my duties to take care of all new check-ins. I hurried out the door as he was stepping out of his car. Wow- yum. I couldn't help but check him out as I checked him in. He was wearing a dark tank top, displaying those fabulous, tattooed arms. And his eyes. Oh my, his eyes. And it was sweet, the way he was trembling, ever so slightly, both from the cold and nervousness. Upon filling out all of the prerequisite paperwork, he was sent away, with my eyes on his heinie. I couldn't help myself.

That night and the next day, it was all I could do to not continually sneak peeks at him whenever he was in the vicinity. He seemed to be alone for the time being, and knowing how overwhelming and crazy it is the first time at camp, it was only right to make small talk. This served both a selfish and customer service purpose. Knowing how I am though, it was mostly selfish. That night as I lay in bed, I could not get him out of my mind.

The following day, was more of the same, although I was able to buck up the courage to chat a little more. I am not, by nature, a chatter or one who has the eloquence or tenacity to talk to a total stranger. This was quite a feat.

That night, I knew I had to get to know him. I cruised by his campsite in one of the golf carts (which is just one of the many exquisite pleasures to be had at camp). He was standing in the firelight, chatting with his neighbors. I stopped to chat (again, not my typical M.O.) and set off an entire string of events that would upend my perception of love, relationships, and life as I had know it at the time.

I've always heard that growth opportuinites abound at camp. And since the kink world was fairly shrouded to me, one would think these opportunities would avail themselves to me on a regular basis. They did, in droves, but hiding from the unknown is sadly a smooth trick in my woefully small toybag. And because of this sad circumstance, I was not ready for what was coming.

That night after chatting, things transpired that blew my mind. To protect the mostly innocent, details will be excluded here. But know now that I was taken so far out of my normal realm of reality that I needed a Lear jet to get back to home base. He had me hooked like a trout on a line, though a fight was not to be had.

Returning back to the tent that morning (at approximately 5:30am), all was not right in Whoville. Boo was less than thrilled with my deviations, having not told her previously that he and I would be doing more than casually chatting. However, the events that were the cause of her distress were unplanned and wholly unexpected. A fact that was stressed when we talked. Her acceptance of the matter was slow but eventual, though her anger was immediate. We left the matter with a budding understanding of what one expected of the other, and shaken spirits.

Spank has a thoroughly entertaining event called the People Auction. Anyone that cared to was able to auction themselves or their services off in exchange for large sums of "Spank Bucks". He was up on the block, both of his own volition and possibly having been asked and told he would be a "big draw". Though on staff, I did not have a large wad as many campers did, having forgotten to grab a stack while up at the registration hut. What he went for, I don't remember- I stopped counting after they blew past the $5000 in my pocket. With him being on stage, I finally had a good excuse to stare at him as much as as I liked. I can still see the slightly apprehensive look on his face, the nervous tapping of the toy in his hand. And those blessedly gorgeous eyes. A strange feeling knocked at the goo of my brain, which I at that time did not want to acknowledge. However, after the auctioneer proclaimed he was "Sold!", the feeling fought to the forefront of my brain. And I was terrified.

On quickly leaving the crowded Lounge, I desprately sought out our den mother/ soccer mom/ boss, knowing she could provide me with the much neeeded explanation and perspective. Fighting back tears, I went from place to place searching for her, for she rarely stood still. Having found her and availing ourselves of two chairs on the patio, my tempest broke lose. At that moment in time, one of our presenters happened to be walking by (a truly delightful and wise woman). She was poly and Soccer Mom said she would be the better person to explain what this storm was inside of me.

How could I be jealous that this person, with whom I had only played once, was going to play with another? We had no significant connection, no commitment. Most importantly, there was Boo, the woman with whom I was in love and committed to! But we had agreed that some play was possible, especially with this this particular man, so why was I feeling as though the world had gone horribly in reverse?? I did not realize it at the time, but there had been a connection on a certain level. And it guaranteed to throw me for a tumultuous loop.

Presenter Woman held me gently as I sobbed, truly sobbed, as my world had lost its familiar landmarks. This was normal and expected, to feel the green-eyed jealousy when new in the world of those that play outside their established relationships she assured. It didn't make my relationship with Boo mean any less, nor did it mean we were lacking in some aspect. It meant I had a need that at that time, was namelessly waiting for acknowledgement. I did not want to admit how good it felt to be with a man after 2 years of a testosterone drought. Nor did I have the strentgh to admit that I wanted more. She talked me down from the emotional cliff and gradually lifted the weight on my shoulders. This would be ok and could fit into the life currently running in 5.1 stereo surround. Something in my heart popped and new light was seen down a hairy path.

The following day, Boo and I worked through what we could without assistance of our learned fellow kinksters. I had finally come to peace with this new development, but remained concerned about her. We talked it through as much as newbies could. She was slowly coming to understand, but still having trouble, as expected.

I deviate here, from the remaining details on the relationship troubles. Suffice to say, she come to the same light I did, albeit much slower and more resistingly. The details of the next night prove too mind-blowing to continue clogging this overblown bit of blather with more details than that of which I had orginally intended to put down.

The theme of the night's festivities was Fetish and Big Daddy's Strip Club would premeier. Having found a devlishly delicious PVC dress before camp, I was anxious to show it off. Now, more than ever, I was dying of curiosity on what he would think. I prepared nervously, partly from anticipation and partly from the Xanax and amaretto sour I had foolishly ingested. A friend and Boo helped get me into this wonderfully form-fitting bit of plastic. I did not care that I showed more thigh than ever in my life, nor that they were lumpy. I did not care how my arms looks or if my tummy did not look flat and toned. These thoughts were blissfully absent from all thought process. All that made itself known was that I looked as devatatingly sexy and hot as I truly felt. The trouble was, how in the hell would I get to the dungeon in heels and a dress that really did not lend itself to an evening stroll. Thankfully, a taxi happened by and a volunteer, whose eyes almost popped out, happily agreed to escort me up. Kneeling on the back seat, being unable to properly sit, we took off, the wind cool on my hot cheeks. By happy vircumstance, the object of my lust just happened to be walking by at the same time. I delighted in the hoot of appreciation and that he turned to stare as we dusted by.

Not wanting to yet face the onslaught of people in the lounge, I slipped into the kitchen and bathroom area, where the girls were preparing for their stripper debut. It made me feel better to see these smoking hot women proclaiming their nervousness. If these aesthetically gifted girls were nervous, perhaps the night wouldn't be so bad for me. After helping one into her waist cincher and agreeing to be a prop for another, I braced myself for my entrance to the Lounge. Opening the door, I scanned the room. There he was, looking as tempting, delicious, and lust-worthy as ever. I srode into the room with as much confidence as I could muster. He couldn't keep his eyes off of me. The evening flew on, with so many complimenting my outfit that I could not help but be overwhelmed. I was shaking, mostly due to the fact that I could feels so many appreciative eyes on me. This is not a feeling found in my every day life.

We made it into the dungeon and watched others play on the handcrafted implements of dungeon yumminess. Our attempts to get at a couple of these were repeatedly stymied, so we went upstairs to wait for the place to clear our a bit. Exact details of events that transpired in that room will again be omitted to protect the mostly innocent. Be assured, it was delicious. I assumed after that bit of romp, our plans for a cherry-popping flog were out the window. But he wasn't letting me get out of it so easily; I was fairly vibrating with excitement. On re-entering the dungeon, most campers had gone for the evening. He strapped me in and proceeded to intoduce me to this new world of pain. If I would have shivered any harder, the apparatus would have fallen to pieces; he knew what he was doing. Afterwards, I knew I was in love with this new thing and knew I wanted more. We went to his tent that night and I fell asleep in his arms, more sated, relaxed, and exhausted than I had in a long time.

Sunday would promise to be another day of emotional trial. After ther afternoon's closing ceremonies, we sat in the Lounge, talking about this and that. All the while, I could not keep my eyes off of him, know what was inevitably approaching. The approaching thunderheads were a perfect match for the apprehension in my heart. Of course, the time came that he must leave. After a final kiss, he was gone and the tears began to fall again, though not nearly as flooding as before. Gone was this new thing in my life that I knew I could not ignore or stay away from for very long. Gone was this new, delicious connection.

This post has grown gossly overblown, but the thoughts keep pouring out of my head, begging to be put to paper (ok, to blog). I had to put down the events of this tumultuous, intimidating, infuriating, and all-together glorious weekend. Part of the old me has fallen away, like so much sunburned skin and new has grown. I am forever changed, all due to one stong armed, soft voiced man. And I am forever greatful.

you neek

2008-12-24T02:26:00.001-05:00

Growing up, I was always the "weird" one. Now I know that I'm unique. Here's the proof!

HowManyOfMe.com

There are
1
or fewer people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

There is only One person in the US of A with my name, and thats me!!!

Christmas is coming- fast!

2008-12-16T01:00:00.004-05:00

Once again, the holidays have sneaked up on me. I'm a procrastinator by nature, so I put off gift-buying "until next paycheck". This starts around October, when the Christmas decorations start shoving the ghosts, goblins, and candy corn from the store shelves. But, as ever, its 2 weeks before Christmas and I still have a pile of gifts to get. I'd planned on making more gifts this year, but thats on the procrastinators list as well.

Whatever happens, this will be another magical season. A time for family, pretty wrapping paper, and eating specials dinners around the table.

Create your own snowflake

2008-11-15T17:55:00.001-05:00

I like this site. It allows you to create your own snowflake without having to break out the paper and scissors.

Random tidbits...

2008-09-09T19:07:00.002-04:00

...for today

Outside my window... I'm in my office and have nary a window. Though if I did, I would see the setting sun and blue skies.

I am thinking... That I ate my Chinese takeout waaay too fast (cashew chicken and pork-fried rice, my favorite!)

I am thankful for... An open-minded family, a wonderful girlfriend, and a working car.

I am wearing... Khaki pants, a red uniform shirt and no shoes (its nice having your own office!!)

I am reading... Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series... again!

I am hoping... that I can get in sooner for my dentist appointment

I am creating... another blog post

I am hearing... ambient office noise, the fan

Around the house... since I'm not at home, I can only guess that the dogs are laying on the bed, Amy is on the computer, Tito is sitting in front of the patio door begging to go out and Droopy is tormenting Tito.

One of my favorite things... girls in white dresses with blue stain sashes.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... unpacking from our recent camping trip, laying out the tent and tarps to dry and clean them (it was wet and rainy when we packed up, ugh), shopping for a dog kennel, working

Lifesavers.

2008-07-22T23:55:00.002-04:00

For those that know me, you know my job involves a lot of down time. In the times between calls from people who really should have been exterminated before birth, there are a few sites that I habitually peruse. They are:

www.wfrv.com (gotta stay on top of the local headlines and the days comics)
www.usatoday.com and/or www.cbsnews.com (gotta stay on top of who's killing who)
http://www.farmfreshiowa.blogspot.com/ (a little preachy at times, but the author's girls are adorable and hilarious)
http://www.crochetville.org (like crack for your crochet hooks)

and these two sites: http://ihasahotdog.com and http://icanhascheezburger.com/
The captions are just absolutely priceless. The two posts below are examples of whats on the sites. These two sites are what keep me from going postal and stabbing someone in the temple with a blue ball-point pen.

2008-07-22T23:50:00.005-04:00

I don't know what it is about this picture, but dammit, I laffed for 5 minutes about this pup...

too cute...

2008-07-22T00:21:00.002-04:00

see more dog pictures

see more dog pictures

Random simple pleasures

2008-04-22T22:26:00.002-04:00

I saw this on someone else's blog, liked the idea, and came up with a few of my own. These are simple, random, day-to-day things that make me smile.

1. The smell of the woods after a rain
2. Snuggling under a warm blanket with my girlfriend
3. Waking up in the morning to find the two furbabies curled up with me
4. Thunderstorms
5. A warm spring day and being able to roll the car windows down
6. A campfire
7. Curling up on the patio with a good book
8. Ribs fresh off the grill, slathered in dads bbq sauce, eaten with the family
9. A night of board games and cards with friends
10. Finding a $5 bill in a coat pocket

How apropos...

2008-02-22T15:42:00.002-05:00

Thank you to Mike at http://www.infinitecat.com/ for this intresting bit of mind fluff:

"It's an odd thing this web site business, much like a message in abottle. You throw it out there and you never know who might find as it swirls and eddies along the vast cyber tidal pools."

So true Mike... so true.

You gotta be kidding me...

2008-02-22T15:36:00.001-05:00

If this guy gets this flowery about coffee, imagine what he's like in person...

http://www.coffeereview.com/allreviews.cfm

Emotions

2008-02-05T20:06:00.001-05:00

Emotions have never been an easy thing for me; its as if I am emotionally impaired. I don't seem to feel them as other people do, at least, not as strongly.

Is that a sign of a sociopath? Ok, don't leave me alone with sharp objects. :-D

Anyways. Its as though I try to distance myself, to not feel or experience them. Very strange. Perhaps it is simply a case of not being very self-aware. Or perhaps there is a lot of bottling going on
... someone get the bottle opener!

Don't get me wrong- poke me with a stick and I'll cry. Or, at least try to twap you over the head with said stick. But intense emotions- happiness, lust, sadness, etc- they don't come through as clearly
...try adjusting the rabbit ears!

Strangely, all of this self examination goes on when in a relationship- why is that? Am I the only one that learns more about herself when her thoughts and emotions are reflected off another person? Perhaps it has something to do with what my girlfriend has gone through and is dealing with. I put myself in that situation and say "what the hell would I do?".

Who knows...

click

2008-01-15T02:14:00.002-05:00

Its amazing how that click can happen. You aren't looking and *click*! there she is. All pretty brown eyes and dimples to die for.

I can't even say that I wasn't looking, because I was. Hard, often, and everywhere. Sad, really, creeping up on desperation. But anyway. There she was, not even sure what it was that caught my attention. Was it a new face that caught my bored eye? Or was it just one of those thing were you look up and... there it is? Whatever the case, she got me. Every time she would walk by, I was hyper-aware; she seemed to be everywhere. I agonized for a week about asking her out. The last thing I wanted to do was cause drama at work if she wasn't intrested in girls. But finally I did. I have never been so giddy about giving anyone my phone number- male or female.

That first date was the most fun I had had with anyone in a long time. There wasn't as much nerves as there typically is on a first date. It was relaxed, and just a great time.

Since, we've been almost constantly together. I've told her more about myself and opened up to her more so than to 99.9% of the people in my life. There is a comfort and openess there never before found with anyone else.

It fits. It truly fits.

And it is beautiful.

A short rant...

2008-01-02T00:31:00.000-05:00

on cereal...

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/213801475.html

Free-floating loneliness

2007-11-06T17:55:00.000-05:00

I was struck by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness today. As a friend texted me “I wish you were here” and listening to some romantic cd… it was overwhelming. He wishes I was there for sexual reasons; I want someone to text me that because they miss me for romantic reasons. Its been said that the harder one looks for love, the farther away it gets. At this point, my love must be in Guatemala by now. Its also been said that feeling sorry for yourself and not liking yourself won’t help you find love. This is true. But I like myself as much as the next person- attractive, witty, intelligent for the most part.

Perhaps that’s the problem. Perhaps I’m not looking in the right places. Perhaps I’m looking in the right places but picking the wrong guys. There is no easy answer, no instruction manual. There is no teacher to turn to for help, other than experience.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Grrr...

2007-11-05T22:11:00.000-05:00

Here I sit at work. Its one of those days. One of those days where nothing seems to sit right, like I want to jump out of my skin. I don't feel like reading the news online as I usually do. Working on my Christmas gifts (I'm crocheting a scarf for my mom) doesn't help- I can't focus. Reading a magazine drives me crazy as everything seems inane and silly. So here I sit, trying typing therapy, if there is such a thing, to get the thoughts out and maybe steady myself.

Perhaps its because I'm off my meds. I am on medication for depression and let me tell you, it really helps. I'm off because I ran out between paychecks- oops! Its low-grade depression so there is no major worry, but still. There is a marked difference in my personality and how I interact with other people. I'm definitely perkier and able to think more clearly.

Or perhaps its the ADD rearing its jittery head. I've had that since I was a kid and have learned to deal with it. No big deal, just have a few extra projects on hand and give myself a mental slapping when I get distracted by something.

Kind of sounds like a mess, doesn't it? Really though, I'm not. I'm a relatively normal individual with overtones of definite "weirdidity" (yes, I know its not a word..). I keep to myself for the most part, some out of self-conciousness and some out of habit. Been told I have a gorgeous smile and a wonderful sense of humor. But really, didn't that describe Ted Bundy? I guess what differentiates me is that I've never had an urge to lure pretty women in and kill them. A good thing indeed.

What really makes me aware of these issues is the fact that I am currently in the dating pool. Actually, with the luck I've had, its more like a dating muck hole instead of pool. However, there have been bright spots. One particularly intresting candidate is a 35 year old self-employed gentleman. The first time we met in person was a little stilted, but the second time was much, much better. Though both times we simly watched movies, there was a definite difference between the first time and second time... can't figure out why. He appreciates my sense of humor which is a saving grace. There are a few commonalities and happens to be a fantastic kisser (always a plus in my book). The down side is, of course as always, scheduling. Between him working during the day, his daughter, and me working second, time is limited. We shall see what happens- I'm hopeful.

Another one is a 30 year old guy in the midst of a divorce. Our senses of humor match almost exactly- a scary thought considering I'm soo off-center... Attractive and intelligent, but I'm slightly leery of his intentions. I'm looking for the real thing, not a bedroom buddy. However, we have not yet met in person and have only been chatting online for a week or so. Downside here is- location. He is 40 minutes away- thats pushing it. He is listed for now as a maybe...

Of course, being a single lady, one does get urges to... play, and urges need to be satisfied. So there is an FWB who shall remains nameless to protect the not so innocent. Extremely intelligent and witty, this guy definitely keeps me on my toes, even when they aren't curled. Married with two eminently adorable kids, he and his wife have the fortune of having an open relationship. Very secure within that relationship, they play alone, acknowledging that monogamy isn't quite right for them. Intresting, isn't it?

Thank you for listening to my therapy, this has actually helped. I feel better. :)

Death of a friend

2007-11-02T08:57:00.000-05:00

Here I sit at 8:46 in the morning, no pants, sweatshirt, wondering what the hell I'm doing up this early. Woke up to find that my shrimp has died (the one in my fish tank!) and I'm kinda bummed. Granted we didn't bond much, but there was still that one summer....

Oh well. Time to break out the cocktail sauce!

On the hunt

2007-07-11T00:06:00.000-04:00

To be so singularly obsessed with finding a man is a sad thing. To be desperate an even sadder thing. I have been free of a meaningful and fulfilling relationship for about 4 months now. Before that, it was almost a year. The brief interruption was a wonderful man, with whom I meshed quite well. But distance, lack of initiative, and scheduling ruined what was an otherwise good thing.

I am still on the hunt. I can’t help but think of it like that; its what it feels like. To stalk the wild prey of that perfect man in the wilds of daily life seem to be an all too apt description. Peering from behind the trees, I see a herd of them grazing at the watering hole. Creeping stealthily, panther-like through the grass, never blinking. I spring, and they scatter. Running screaming into the woods from the putrid stench of desperation and Chanel no.5. Ok, so I don’t wear Chanel, but you get the idea.

He’s out there. Sleek coated, intelligent, and one of Darwin’s chosen few. I’ve got my tranquilizer darts, rope, and net. Now where the hell is he…

SLS

2007-06-29T11:18:00.000-04:00

http://SassyCMA06.swinglifestyle.com

So, it may make me look easy, but I am extremely picky. Not many can get past my heavy filter of cynnicism.

Flotsam and jetsam

2007-06-19T22:30:00.000-04:00

There are always a million thoughts going through my head at any given time, none of any real consequence. Some silly, some contemplative, and way too many negative. Its maddening, really. Sometimes I just want to wring out my brain and be mentally silent. To scrub it clean like the putrid bottom of a fish tank. To try and follow each one would be an exercise in futility, a race against madness. In attempts to tame these overzealous mental machinations, I sit and concentrate on picking one out from the tangled mess. I pick at it like a crusted scab, pulling it away from unwilling flesh. Its followed along twisted, drifting, deviating pathways, meandering through the atramentous sludge.

“…did she look at me funny? I forgot to pay the cell phone bill, I can’t afford to pay the cell phone bill… really have to look up a bankruptcy lawyer. 4 hours til I have to get ready for work. WHY am I still single?? Is it permanent, am I going to be a spinster… wooo, gotta clean that cat box… and the living room… and the laundry… and that mess on the table. Hey, judge judy is on. Mmmm, want some chips, only have teddy grahams, damn, have to go shopping again. Don’t have the money. Maybe I should look in the phone book for the lawyer, what if I end up with one that rips me off? La ded daaaaa, I’m so bored.. maybe I should go to the gym, I’m wasting money on the membership every month anyway, heaven knows I need the exercise… look at the lumps on my thighs- HELLOO tapioca! Really want chips… damn, that won’t help, they would go great with tapioca though… He said I worry too much, do I? Ok, relax, think calm thoughts… blue sky, warm breeze, large green field… ahhhhh… OK, still want those chips. I got salsa, but no chips, would saltines be ok with salsa? Salsa shark… ohh thats a good movie… Maybe we could watch that next time he comes over. No, I only get him an hour or two at a time. Should I be bitter, maybe I should look elsewhere, he’s so good to me though, a sweetheart, well you know the situation, hi kitty, woo, gotta brush you you are shedding again. Rats, I forgot to water the plants, I really need more pots, can’t afford them, maybe I should ask mom about a lawyer. I have to hang that bird feeder too, don’t have any screws though. Damn, craving tapioca…”

and on and on….

It seems I don't know myself very well.

2007-01-25T02:18:00.000-05:00

Well, thats not really a revelation- thats half of my problem!! lol. I was told by a friend that my last post doesn't really describe me. I'm still waiting to hear back what would describe the real me. I think the last post was a result of this funky mood I've been in for the last few weeks. Mostly, its due to PMS, but work has been especially trying as of late. So for those that have felt the sting of my mood, forgive me, I know not what I do. :-))

Complacency causes stagnation.

2007-01-24T13:06:00.001-05:00

Complacency causes stagnation. It causes us to resist change, to view it with a wary and cynical eye. Or maybe that’s just me. I also have a big mouth with poor impulse control and a quick temper. With this delightful trio of issues, I cause myself a lot of headache and heartache. At least the lack of impulse control I can blame on the ADD. The other two come as a result of my screwy biological makeup. Fighting biology is never easy- its who we are, even if its not acceptable to the rest of the populace. I’ve known for a long time that unless I do fight my nature, my life will be a brackish hellhole of mediocrity and loneliness.

They say, “be yourself”. When I do that, I find myself alone at home on the couch, eating Cheetos and watching t.v. When I fight it, I find myself out in the world, experiencing things, as a 20-something should, having a good time. Holding back is not in my nature. Some call me blunt, rude, or just plain neurotic. When I censor myself, they find me delightful. I’m left with a quandry- let it all out and feel better but be lonely, or hold it in, feel listless, and be a social phenom. Not wanting to make a decision, I’ve just continued to blunder through my days, at turns flying off the handle, threatening fragile relationships and kicking myself for it afterwards.

Who knows, maybe I am certifiable- certifiably stubborn and set in who I am.

Delicious thoughts...

2007-01-12T21:29:00.000-05:00

On the few but regular occasions I work overnight, I find myself with plenty of time to think. Much of it is idle mental chatter, lots of neural nothingness between calls, like a bad infomercial running in the background. This is due, in part, to the mindfreeze that takes over after too many hours awake. Like a computer going into power save, the brain hums for a minute and then just goes dark. It waits for the next source of stimulation, the green light blinking dimly in the semi-dark. The only thing that keeps it from total shut down is the obligatory 3am Sobe (like RedBull, only bigger and tastier).

Often in these times of cerebral haze, certain... delicious thoughts come gliding up from the haze, slipping through the mental fog like silken serpents. I am fully awakened, my eyes flying open as the I feel their luxurious bite. Thoughts of such sweetness, they beg to be tasted, savored, relished. Usually, sexual or sensual in nature, of past encounters. Recent past encounters that were so titillating the first time around, they beg to be ruminated on, relived, and rediscovered. Like picking a choice apple from the tree, I pluck one from the bunch, choosing it for its ripeness and heady licentiousness. My eyes slowly close, only this time to sink into the velvet arms of recall.

Once again I am transported to that particular moment in time, reeling in the assault of sensations. His hands on my skin as he caresses and claims. The sweet tremors his touch awakens. The wanting and need that rush to the forefront, demanding to be sated. My nails leave faint trails across his shoulders as they graze heated flesh. Mouths hungrily seek each other out in futile attempts to staunch the rapidly growing hedonism. Other parts brazenly demand attention, wanting to be satisfied. Primal desire is taking over. Time and space fall away as basic, raw heat threatens to consume whatever it touches. No sound is heard but the moan of need and the whisper of hand across flesh. "Inevitable!", screams The Need, "the sweet glut of sensational finale is inevitable, don't stop now!" Rushing towards nirvana.... the phone rings.

Dammit!

Reality comes crashing around my ears like a million shards of glass. My private mental sanctuary shattered, crystalline thoughts are scattered and strewn into oblivion.

*sigh*

I'm forced back into the here and now where life is stale like breadcrumbs. At least until the next time I see him....

*grin*

I ran across this...

2007-01-09T17:37:00.000-05:00

yesterday. Wow, what a trip. Its a webpage I started about 10 years ago. Hard to believe its still up. Its quite a flashback reading it and the things that have gone on since then. I tried to update it a bit but quickly lost patience with it. I'm not terribly familiar with the codes and whatnot that are needed so it has no background and a few dead links. Check it out.

http://www.angelfire.com/wi/LittleDucklingsPage/

A short attention span..

2007-01-08T17:43:00.000-05:00

is my excuse for not posting more often. I'll think of something incredibly witty and fun to post and then 5 minutes later, it has completely left the neural superhighway. I'm left doing that "what did I come in here for?" face. This often occurs at work. In my downtime (of which there is an abundance), lots of thinking goes on, including filthy thoughts of my man, a chicken, and whip. But aside from that, I'll think of something quite entertaining and blog-worthy. One would think this would be written down, since I'm not really able to post at work (they tend to frown on extracurricluar activities such as porn and blogging), but noooo. A friend told me that since posting is not possible, put it in an email, send it to myself, and post it once I get home. Such clear thinking for someone who, at the time, was in a sleepy, temporary painkiller haze. But I, in all my not so sleepy, clear-headed glory, do not seem to be capable of following this little smidget of advice. Damn that ADHD....

So does posting my excuse count as a post or do I have to post something else?

I noticed tonight

2006-12-19T02:57:00.000-05:00

the frost on the grass as I walked to my apartment. It glittered dimly there in the frigid, silent evening. As I walked, it twinkled and winked briskly. Even upon stopping and standing still, the life in the frost seemed to continue as if it was a city of lights with a beat of it own. Thousands of reflections, moving, pulsing, creating a show on the dark ground.

I looked to the heavens with a set of twinklers of its own. They were fewer, dimmer somehow. Some of their beauty was damped out by the harsh orange glow of the wretched city lights. They shone on, smug in the knowledge that they, as well as the reflections in the grass, would exist long past myself.

It was comforting somehow...

Why is it...

2006-12-02T14:48:00.000-05:00

that every year, I forget about the difficulties of snow? My official stance is "I love snow". I find it breathtaking; a snowfall, romantic. The world changes color from dull, disheartenting brown and grey to stark white. Then, it falls, sending me into paroxysms of joy and laughter. I step out into the crisp clean air to enjoy this little gift from the clouds and BAM!, I'm on my ass. *sigh*.

Though I suppose, it would be romantic having someone spoonfeed me if I were in traction...

By the way...

2006-12-01T17:39:00.000-05:00

Edmund has moved on and taken Squiggy with him. Neither one left a forwarding address so that is one less on my Christmas card list I guess. I did drown a cousin the other day though. This one wouldn't stay up on the ceiling where he belonged and kept trying to drop in on me in the shower.

I try not to...

2006-12-01T17:32:00.000-05:00

worry about what people think about me. But I can't help but be bothered by the thought that I am judged and dismissed on a daily basis by several people. Those that shouldn't underestimate me as I'm more than they think I am. Yes, my prevailing thought is "either take me as I am or piss off", but still, that niggling anxiety is just one more thing that adds to that non-stop racetrack of brain fodder. As if there isn't enough to worry about. I know that I'm not a typical social creature (I tend to suck at social gatherings) and that I'm "weird". But still, I long to fit in, be welcomed and accepted by more than a few that find my eccentricities "charming". Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the friends that I have. But dammit, I'm tired of sitting home alone at night.

My Circadian rhythm...

2006-11-21T07:33:00.000-05:00

is very confused. Due to my second/third shift job, I tend to sleep in the morning and early afternoon. I had a lot of trouble getting used to it, but it seems as though its normalized in the last few days. Take yesterday. As I had posted, I slept until 3 pm and napped until 6. Of course, I was not able to sleep early this morning. I even went to visit my aunt at 10 and stayed until midnight (she works second as well). Then I came home to accomlish a few things online. Around three, I had an hour and a half long chat with a very handsome man (I can't wait to see him this weekend!).

So, I thought, I can go to bed now, not much left to do. Did I??? Noooooo. I jumped in the shower, shaved, and went to the gym! lol. At 5am in the morning! Those that know me should find this highly unusual. One, because I just don't go in that early, and two, its been about a month since I've been down there (yes, I'm a bad girl). But it felt good. I miss that nice sweat you get when you bust your ass on the elliptical. So, I did 15 minutes on the elliptical and 30 on the treadmill. I had also forgotten hom much I enjoy the bird's eye view of the guys lifting weights below (my gym has their treadmills on a balcony). I felt slightly guilty for goggling these guys, but they are entertaining to watch. Not to mention that there is just something about a well defined arm doing a well executed bicep curl that makes me smile. :-D

When I got home, I heard my cell beeping. From the type of beep, I knew it was a calendar reminder. I completely forgot that I have to go in to work today for computer training at 9AM! ARGH! Darnit, this is going to be interesting. I can't decide if I just want to crash and try to get in a nap before or if I should just stay up. hmmm... I think a nap would be best.

Sweet dreams....

My day...

2006-11-20T22:22:00.000-05:00

was a rather uneventful day. I worked long overnight shifts (12-14 hours) since Thursday. Getting home this morning at 7:45 was such a relief. I fed the creatures, changed into my pjs, and collapsed on the couch. Now, admittedly, my job is not tough. There are stressful moments though, and sitting for that long is a little wearying. I watched a little tv and ended up falling asleep watching The Muppet Movie (yeah, I'm a kid at heart). Amazingly enough, I was dead to the world until 3. I think I was concious for about an hour and then passed out again. When I woke up at 6, I felt kind of guilty. Who really sleeps all day? I couldn't do that, so I got up and got dressed.

Hopefully this will be a memory starting in December. My schedule is changing (yay!), but because of the nature of my job, I still won't be working days. Someday soon....

He's sooooo tuna!

2006-11-18T20:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, I admit it, I use things like thesaurus.com. The other day, I was trying to find a new and unusual alternative to "handsome". What do I run across but the word "tuna". Now really, does that make any sense? lol. I ran it through dictionary.com thinking maybe I was just missing something but all I came up with was definitions for the fish. Somehow I get the feeling if I were to go up to a guy in a bar and tell him he was really "tuna", I wouldn't have much chance for a date.

Just not feeling it.

2006-11-18T19:59:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to think of an entertaining blog post for the last few days and have had no creative flashes. I had one at work the other day, but it ran away from me, darnit. Yes, I know, creativity is not to be forced- it is a bitter mistress (well aren't most women?).

I enjoy putting creative bits up here though. I enjoy thinking that somone will read them and smile, maybe laugh, or finally realize that I am completely out of my mind (hey, someone has to find out sooner or later!). Its my way of grabbing a little attention for myself, like the pictures I have posted in my [personals] profile. Its a way of saying "pay attention to me me dammit, I'm lonely". Well, I'm not really lonely, but you get the point.

For those loyal few who check me out every day (I know there are a few of you), I hope this pleases you. I'm off to take a shower and go to Target.

Is it wrong...

2006-11-18T19:58:00.001-05:00

to applaud when a co-worker gets fired? I couldn't help myself. I had a small private celebration when I heard one particuarly difficult co-worker would no longer be depressing us with her presence. I try to be tolerant of different personalities, quirks, and idiosyncracies. But ya know, there are just some you would rather push of the roof than deal with every day. With her leaving, more hours came available and I'm sitting pretty for next paycheck.

Woo hoo, time for some thong shopping!

{previously posted 11-15-06}

Edmund, the peeping Tom.

2006-11-18T19:56:00.000-05:00

Edmund is a spider that lives in my bathroom. He showed up last week, I think he's just in from France. I don't know what kind of spider he is, being that I am not an arachnologist, just the creepy, 8-legged, freak-me-out kind. Hes about a half an inch across or so, but they say size doesn't matter.

Now being the somewhat superstitious type, I do not kill spiders under most circumstances, for fear it will bring bad luck. I mean, really, spiders are good for the environment, eating pests and such. But how many pests can be in the place where I brush my teeth every day? Is this some odd, arachnid commentary on my personal hygiene? Anyway. I was standing in my shower that morning, naked of course, paying heed to my backside with the scrubby and I look up. There he was, staring at me with those beady, multi-faceted eyes (I knew he was looking at me because he was leering). Of course, my initial reaction was to give him a good soaking with the shower head and send him to a watery grave, but other than giving me some very inappropriate looks, he was harming nothing. As long as he stayed in that nook near the ceiling, we would get along just fine. He was informed of just that and seemed to agree.

The next time I got in the shower, there he was again, and this time, one of his friends was on the side of the tub. Much smaller, I think his name was Squiggy. All right, I thought, he's bringing in the guests. I covered Squiggy gingerly with the shower curtain and went about my business. As I turned to take up the razor, there was Edmund half way down the wall, staring again. He was about a foot from my head- too close for comfort. I threatened him with a stream of water and he skittered back up the wall. "Edmund", I said, "you just stay up there and we will get along fine. I hate spiders but I'm a reasonable woman.". There he sat for the rest of the show.

Now, every morning, I greet him and ask him how his kids are doing (they don't write him or visit very often). He smokes his strange French cigarettes, adjusts his beret in the most becoming manner, and states that he his here for only a short while. "In the meantime", he asked "bring me a few flies, would you?"

{previouisly posted 11-14-06}

A cold and rainy morning...

2006-11-18T19:55:00.000-05:00

...can be very dampening on the spirits when you are inside, looking out the window. It looks dreary and miserable and just... depressing. But when I walked out onto the patio this morning to feed the always ravenous wild birds, it seemed anything but. There was a freshness to the air that only a rain can bring about. Crisp and clean, despite living in the city. With a hint of mischeviousness, though I'm not sure what its up to. Will it snow? No, the sky doesn't have that "about to dump 4 feet of snow on your unsuspecting head" look to it. Will it continue to rain and then freeze, turning everything it touches to slippery glass? Alas, I do not know. I took one final lungful of that invigorating stuff and went back in. Looking out, I once again see the drear.

What a difference a pane of glass makes.

{previously posted 11-13-06}

Oops, I did it again...

2006-11-18T19:52:00.000-05:00

Slept until noon. Ok, til 11:30, but I have an excuse and had much better company this time around. It goes like this...

I hadn't planned on going out last night. We had met once before and I was interested in meeting again. Hes very quiet, not usually my type, but I can sense there is so much more underneath that stoic exterior. Anyway. He and I got to chatting and he invited me out to a party that he was going to with some friends at the local bar. I'm not usually one for the bar, but I was eager to see him again. When I saw him there, he was as handsome as I remember. We had drinks and quite a few laughs with his friends. After bar closed, we went to his place and well, I won't divulge every detail, but lets say I'm quite satisfied. Something about strong hands on my hips when I'm on top that just make me all... goo goo. Yum! I've not been this giddy in a long time. lol. Looking forward to the next time...

{previously posted on 11-12-06}

I slept until noon...

2006-11-18T19:47:00.000-05:00

like I do sometimes. I was up until 2am perusing personals, checking my email, and just plain losing my mind. Something happens to me really early in the morning that just makes me nutty. This could be a bad thing, considering that I work third shift once or twice a week! But anyway. I went to bed at about 2:30 after watching MASH, yet again. When I woke up, I was confused- I'm not used to sleeping for this long. During the week, I'm lucky if I can get in 4 hours of zzz's. How strange the body works. Though, my Circadian rhythm is so screwed up right now b/c of work, I think it said "screw this, lady, I'm leaving". *sigh*

I have much to do today. Have to go out to my sisters to get the carpet cleaner as the carpet in the living room attracts dirt like a nekkid blonde attracts men on a street corner. Also have to run to wal-mart for some cereal- I'm starving! Well all evidence to the contrary, but I am rather famished.

Off into the crazy world, out and about, I do my deeds. Will I come home victiorious? .... probably, and then I'll be bored. hehehehe.

{previously posted on 11-11-06}

I wanna be like Mike...

2006-11-18T19:41:00.000-05:00

Well no, not really, but it seemd a fitting sentiment. I was inspired to start my own blog by a captivating woman I have met here on [a different site]. Her humor and intelligence have nudged the Cather in me and want to take another stab at this. Also, another one of my wonderful friends has encouraged me to write after I typed this as an answer to "if you could be any crayon, what color would you be?" Blue and slightly melted into the carpet. Creative nuggets like this occasionally slip out of my coiled, confused, and twisted brain and lay themselves upon the auditory nerve of any who will listen. Sadly, I feel it does not happen often enough, only when I'm alone. Kind of like the answer to the eternal question "If a lone tree makes a joke in the woods, is it funny?".

So. I am here to amuse, entertain, rant, pontificate, obfuscate, and just plain discombobulate those lucky few than run across this literary amalgamated thing of malaproprious indecency.

{previously posted on 11-10-06}