It seems I don't know myself very well.

Well, thats not really a revelation- thats half of my problem!! lol. I was told by a friend that my last post doesn't really describe me. I'm still waiting to hear back what would describe the real me. I think the last post was a result of this funky mood I've been in for the last few weeks. Mostly, its due to PMS, but work has been especially trying as of late. So for those that have felt the sting of my mood, forgive me, I know not what I do. :-))

Complacency causes stagnation.

Complacency causes stagnation. It causes us to resist change, to view it with a wary and cynical eye. Or maybe that’s just me. I also have a big mouth with poor impulse control and a quick temper. With this delightful trio of issues, I cause myself a lot of headache and heartache. At least the lack of impulse control I can blame on the ADD. The other two come as a result of my screwy biological makeup. Fighting biology is never easy- its who we are, even if its not acceptable to the rest of the populace. I’ve known for a long time that unless I do fight my nature, my life will be a brackish hellhole of mediocrity and loneliness.


They say, “be yourself”. When I do that, I find myself alone at home on the couch, eating Cheetos and watching t.v. When I fight it, I find myself out in the world, experiencing things, as a 20-something should, having a good time. Holding back is not in my nature. Some call me blunt, rude, or just plain neurotic. When I censor myself, they find me delightful. I’m left with a quandry- let it all out and feel better but be lonely, or hold it in, feel listless, and be a social phenom. Not wanting to make a decision, I’ve just continued to blunder through my days, at turns flying off the handle, threatening fragile relationships and kicking myself for it afterwards.

Who knows, maybe I am certifiable- certifiably stubborn and set in who I am.

Delicious thoughts...

On the few but regular occasions I work overnight, I find myself with plenty of time to think. Much of it is idle mental chatter, lots of neural nothingness between calls, like a bad infomercial running in the background. This is due, in part, to the mindfreeze that takes over after too many hours awake. Like a computer going into power save, the brain hums for a minute and then just goes dark. It waits for the next source of stimulation, the green light blinking dimly in the semi-dark. The only thing that keeps it from total shut down is the obligatory 3am Sobe (like RedBull, only bigger and tastier).

Often in these times of cerebral haze, certain... delicious thoughts come gliding up from the haze, slipping through the mental fog like silken serpents. I am fully awakened, my eyes flying open as the I feel their luxurious bite. Thoughts of such sweetness, they beg to be tasted, savored, relished. Usually, sexual or sensual in nature, of past encounters. Recent past encounters that were so titillating the first time around, they beg to be ruminated on, relived, and rediscovered. Like picking a choice apple from the tree, I pluck one from the bunch, choosing it for its ripeness and heady licentiousness. My eyes slowly close, only this time to sink into the velvet arms of recall.

Once again I am transported to that particular moment in time, reeling in the assault of sensations. His hands on my skin as he caresses and claims. The sweet tremors his touch awakens. The wanting and need that rush to the forefront, demanding to be sated. My nails leave faint trails across his shoulders as they graze heated flesh. Mouths hungrily seek each other out in futile attempts to staunch the rapidly growing hedonism. Other parts brazenly demand attention, wanting to be satisfied. Primal desire is taking over. Time and space fall away as basic, raw heat threatens to consume whatever it touches. No sound is heard but the moan of need and the whisper of hand across flesh. "Inevitable!", screams The Need, "the sweet glut of sensational finale is inevitable, don't stop now!" Rushing towards nirvana.... the phone rings.

Dammit!

Reality comes crashing around my ears like a million shards of glass. My private mental sanctuary shattered, crystalline thoughts are scattered and strewn into oblivion.

*sigh*

I'm forced back into the here and now where life is stale like breadcrumbs. At least until the next time I see him....

*grin*

I ran across this...

yesterday. Wow, what a trip. Its a webpage I started about 10 years ago. Hard to believe its still up. Its quite a flashback reading it and the things that have gone on since then. I tried to update it a bit but quickly lost patience with it. I'm not terribly familiar with the codes and whatnot that are needed so it has no background and a few dead links. Check it out.

http://www.angelfire.com/wi/LittleDucklingsPage/

A short attention span..

is my excuse for not posting more often. I'll think of something incredibly witty and fun to post and then 5 minutes later, it has completely left the neural superhighway. I'm left doing that "what did I come in here for?" face. This often occurs at work. In my downtime (of which there is an abundance), lots of thinking goes on, including filthy thoughts of my man, a chicken, and whip. But aside from that, I'll think of something quite entertaining and blog-worthy. One would think this would be written down, since I'm not really able to post at work (they tend to frown on extracurricluar activities such as porn and blogging), but noooo. A friend told me that since posting is not possible, put it in an email, send it to myself, and post it once I get home. Such clear thinking for someone who, at the time, was in a sleepy, temporary painkiller haze. But I, in all my not so sleepy, clear-headed glory, do not seem to be capable of following this little smidget of advice. Damn that ADHD....

So does posting my excuse count as a post or do I have to post something else?